Friday, August 3, 2007

I put myself out there!

I put myself out there and well . . . it just didn't happen. Needless to say, I'm very disappointed, upset, and well . . .BITTER! lol

Bitter, party of one . . . yeah, that's me right now. I've made an agreement with Foxy that I am allowed one day of bitterness and one bitter blog entry . . . so today's the day and this is the blog entry. It should be fun, get psyched!

To make a longgg ass story short, we'll just put it this way, I told this guy that I had been talking to that I liked him, missed hanging out with him etc. Kind of a big deal for me considering the fact that I'm not very open with my feelings/emotions when it comes to talking to guys etc. I'm an open book with just about everything else. Such a hang up. Well, he told me he wasn't looking for anything except for friends. Interesting, I know considering he certainly made me think other wise. First bit of rejection I've had in a long time (remember, I don't date/put myself out there much - I'll explain in a bit). It's a pretty shitty feeling.

I think the two parts that upset me the most is that I didn't listen to myself. I'm a very intuitive person, and that part of me was like "jump ship hoe, you're wasting your time!" I bothers me that I didn't listen to myself . . . I'm usually right 98% of the time! I won't make that mistake again . . .

I dunno what it is about Boston gay men . . . and I know I'm generalizing here, but are any of them available? I mean truly available - know what they want, stable, OUT, etc.? Because I certainly can't find them.

I'm really starting to get to the point where I think its time for me to move on from Boston. Not just because of this, their certainly are other reasons, but the gays here fuckin suck! (please remember, I'm bitter right now, lol, I hope I don't feel this way next week!)

So after a long convo with my friend Mitch the other night, I've decided I'm going to begin investigating other city options.

New York City - could never live there. This I know
Washington D.C. - I could live there, definitely . . .love that city
Chicago - LOVE Chicago.

I think Chi-town is the next move.

This certainly won't be easy considering that my family would definitely not be supportive of a move to the mid-west. Even my brother, who has been my biggest supporter in everything I do would be against it. And yes, it is my life, but my family is important to me and I do value them and their opinions. So yeah, that would be a battle . . . oh well right?


Lexi the Mugwump said...

I would fully support a move to DC! Now, while I love and adore Chicago too, remember that it is cold as crap in the winter and windy! DC gets cold, but not freezing. A drawback is the little snow, but the good thing, is you get snow days when the city shuts down, hehe!

I think you should plan a weekend to come visit and see for yourself....

bicoastalhottie said...

Hmmm. I disagree with a lot of the stuff you've said--I just see it in an entirely different light. I can't blame you for being bitter but...I have an idea of turning that bitterness into something different.

Meanwhile, I totally support a move to Chicago. I hate to say this but...your family has held you down long enough and they continue to do so. Are you going to let them determine your happiness via opinion? If everyone in the world did that, we'd amount to be NOBODYS!

Love you,

T.S. said...

What's wrong with NYC? Not that the gay scene is any better here. Everyone is ridiculously superficial and ridiculously drunk/on drugs/unwilling to commit. But maybe I just haven't tried hard enough.

I'm like you, I have issues putting myself out there because it ALWAYS seems like I am rejected and humiliated. The humilation is really just a product of the rejection, but I've been in some situations where it's been intentional humiliation and that's no fun at all. BLAH!

And don't even get me started on internet dating. I am bitter too and yet the idea of growing old with my 5000 cats and my not-so-quiet rage doesn't sit well with me. We both have to do something to find romance because this is just NOT right. We're great guys! What is wrong with the world that they don't recognize that?

Rob said...

I've got a few things to say for this blog too.

I think with time, like Landon said, you'll see that bitterness as something else. It's always easy to be bitter in the beginning and then later realize something different. Or maybe that's just me being too forgiving and getting stepped on as a result? Hmmm don't know.

Either way. I still say you did a very brave thing and it's just one situation and you shouldn't let it rock you to the core. Dating is just a bunch of continual "trial periods." If you don't like the trial you don't buy the product. Conversely, if you do like the product you buy the product. HOWEVER, if the product is unavailable or discontinued (like emotionally unavailable boys), you try other products until you find the one you like the best. Hopefully that one is in stock.

As for your move. Family is obviously a HUGE importance factor to you. However, Chicago isn't that far away. Plane rides are short and fairly cheap there, esp once you start making a good salary with that master's. Your life has been about your family for too long and it's time you make it about YOU. Go find what makes YOU happy. Maybe that's what's been wrong all this time; you might be basing your own happiness on the current mood/situations of your family. AND, if your family can't support a move, what kind of family is that?

You stated in this blog that they haven't accepted you as gay yet. Now you think they won't accept a move. Well, maybe it's time to stop waiting for their acceptance and just start accepting YOURSELF.

I love you,

Lucie said...

Victor P.... How dare you put down my place of birth... If you can make it here you'll make it anywhere... it's up to you... NEW YORK NEW YORK..... living in Brooklyn is cooler than living anywhere.... I've been saying for years that you should come and visit and you have never taken me up on it... I think you need to put your little gay HUAing ass on a train and travel south for what I can show you NYC has to offer... and if you are really nice I might allow you to pick up a Gay-sian in Chinatown along with a new Prada bag....